


Pain is a Six Letter Word

by mysticmylifeisamess_enger



Category: Mystic Messenger (Video Game)
Genre: Angst, Cancer, Mentions of Cancer
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-07-07
Updated: 2018-10-26
Packaged: 2019-06-06 21:19:24
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,744
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15203693
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mysticmylifeisamess_enger/pseuds/mysticmylifeisamess_enger
Summary: There were few things Saeyoung held dear to him, you being at the top of that list. But finding out how easy that can get ripped from him hurt more than he'd lead on.





	1. Diagnosis

**Author's Note:**

> This piece was incredibly personal to write and not one I expected from myself about a week or so ago. And this subject isn’t one I’ve had to experience firsthand thankfully, but as of late it’s one I’ve had to see someone I’ve been close to my whole life experience in the last month and it’s brutal. And I thought writing about it would make me feel better so yeah.

Saeyoung couldn’t believe what he was being told. He felt like he got the wind knocked out of him, his knees threatening to buckle under him, ready to plea to his God or any higher being that this wasn’t true.

He didn’t notice that the grip on your hand tightened when he heard the news, but nothing he was feeling compared to your expression once he looked over. He could see all the unspoken questions running through your mind, your eyes welling up before you even realized. You almost looked hollow, as if the words the doctor spoke had emptied you, taking what little you seemed to have left.

“Are you sure?” you asked, breaking the long silence, though you knew the answer. You suspected it before you even walked into the office.

“Unfortunately, yes,” the doctor spoke, affirming the gravity of this situation. A situation you so desperately wish you weren’t in, but here you were, holding the love of your life’s hand, knowing it’s not going to stay there for long  _because of this_.

You tried to listen to what followed, all the next steps and procedures to take, but you couldn’t quite pay attention. You were more focused on the look on Saeyoung’s face. A light grimace painting his features, as if every word he was hearing stung. And you couldn’t take it. You couldn’t wrap your head around any of it. The room started to feel like it was spinning and you only felt yourself getting up and making your way towards the door, unaware of your own movements until you heard Saeyoung and the doctor call after you. But you didn’t care, you just needed to get out of there as soon as you could, you just needed some air.

Saeyoung wasn’t far behind, following you to make sure you were alright only to find that you hadn’t gone far. You had only gone right outside of the building, looking up at the sky with that same hollow expression. And as he got closer, he noticed the tears staining your cheeks. His chest tightened at the thought of how you were probably feeling. He was heartbroken and troubled by the news, but he couldn’t imagine what you were going through.

You quickly wiped your face once you noticed he was there. You wanted to put on a brave face, you didn’t want to worry him, but it was too late. The look of concern painting his features hurt to look at, knowing that that’s how he’s going to look at you from now on. He’s no longer going to look at you with love, but with pity and that hurt more the thought of what you might go through.

“MC, do you want to go back in?” he asked, almost cautiously only for you to shake your head. You couldn’t go back in, you felt frozen, unable to move.

“I just want to go home,” you said, gaze falling to the floor.

“Yeah, we can go. I’ll call later to get anything we missed.”

You two only walked in silence to the car and it followed on the drive, an off-putting air between you two as you tried to settle with this. Your mind ran through all the possible scenarios as you looked out the window. You couldn’t look at him, not after you realized that you were the cause of his concern and worry now, and there was nothing you could do about it. No words could comfort you two as the thought of how temporary this is took over, the words “stage four” and “too far along” echoing, gnawing in the back of your mind.

“Saeyoung,” you almost whispered, your eyes blurring from tears you tried so hard to hold back, “I’m scared.”

He only found himself reaching for your hand as a form of comfort, a reassuring touch to ease your mind because he couldn’t bring himself to say it, but he was scared too.


	2. What Followed

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This took me a while to get out, mostly because in my previous chapter I mention that I had someone close going through this, and a few weeks later they passed away and it made it really hard to get back to this, especially with it being the first passing I’ve grieved that was so close. And I’m writing this more with the intention of processing what happened and putting those feelings into words than anything else.

One month was all it took to see the difference. Each passing day, you got thinner and paler. The chemo slowly claimed your hair and energy. And with it, you slowly felt less like yourself and more like an empty shell of what you once were. And yet, Saeyoung’s upbeat attitude never wavered. He was patient, kind and showed you nothing but love in the process.

And it made you sick.

Not in the way that you tired of it, or that he was a nuisance. But in the way that you felt like you were burdening him with this. That this was only holding him back, that he felt like he had some responsibility to you. He was only there because he felt obligated to care for you, And it made you sick to see how differently he treated you because of it.

He couldn’t help it though. The love of his life, his other half who completely and wholly saw everything about him was plagued with something that had no known cure. He put up a front for you, a way to mask his pain he’d never dare let you see.

He’ll never tell you about the times he went over to Jumin’s place, begging him to do something, anything within his power and money to help. The times he stayed up late doing his own research to see if he could find a breakthrough of his own, but how those results led to nothing. Or the times you weren’t looking, unaware of the amount of pleading, yelling and crying he did behind closed doors only to throw on a smile in your presence.

It ate away at him to see you so desolate. You were always so tired, too depressed to leave the house at times. He tried so hard to not let you fall into this, finding anything for you to do together, to spend as much time as he could with you. Because you both knew that time was only fleeting. Your days together had an expiration date and the only question on both your minds was when that date would be.

~

“MC, do you want to go outside? We could go for a ride in one of my babes, I’ll even let you drive,” Saeyoung chimed as he made his way to the living room of your shared home to find you.

“I think I’d rather stay in,” you said, refusing to meet his gaze.

“Ah, come on,” he continued, “you’ve been inside all day, you could use some fresh air.”

“I said I don’t want to.”

“Why not? It’ll be fun,” he smiled, keeping up that bubbly persona you knew was faked. The nauseous feeling surfaced again as you thought about the intention behind it, knowing he shouldn’t waste his energy on you like this.

“Don’t you get it? I don’t want to go,” you hissed, “I don’t need fresh air, it’s not going to make a difference in the outcome. If you want to go, then go.”

“MC, what’s gotten into you? Are you okay?“

“What’s gotten into me is that I want you gone! Just leave, get out of my life!” you spat, your eyes shaking, tears building up and threatening to spill as you looked at his expression. It was pained, but you told yourself this would be best for him.

“I’m not leaving you,” he replied calmly, yet pointed.

“Just go!”

“I’m not gonna go!” he raised his voice.

“I don’t want you here! Just leave!”

“Why do you want me to leave so badly?!”

“Because I don’t want your last memory of me to be this! I don’t want you to look back at your time with me and remember this empty shell that used to be me,” you shouted, though steadying your breathing as you continued, “I don’t even feel like I’m in my own body anymore. And you don’t deserve that. You, of all people, shouldn’t be put through this.”

“What do you mean?”

“I mean that you don’t deserve to go through this. You shouldn’t have to be in a relationship that you know is going to end soon. And to know how it ends. I can’t let you get weighted down by me. I just don’t understand how you can be so positive when I know how much this is hurting you,” your voice cracking with the emotions you’ve held back for weeks. The pain in his eyes was unbearable to look at, noticing the pensive look on his face as he thought over your words. An uncomfortable silence sitting between you two.

“You’re right, this is hurting me so much more than I’ve been letting on,” Saeyoung said, feeling his eyes well up, “and I’m sorry, I just want to be strong for you right now.”

“You don’t have to be,” you muttered, your hands coming up to cup his face and wipe the tears that spilled, “This isn’t an ideal situation and you don’t have to pretend to be fine. I’m not.”

“MC,” he paused, taking in a deep breath and exhaling to steady himself, “you don’t know how much I wish I could take your place if it meant that you could live. You’re the good one here, you’re the one that deserves to live a long and happy life because I know you’d do so much good. I really wish it weren’t you going through this.”

“But it is. In a perfect world, we get to grow old together and love each other more and more with each passing day, but the reality is that I’m dying,” you said, choking back tears at this point, “and I don’t want to be, Saeyoung. I’m so scared to, I don’t want to leave you, I don’t want to die!”

Saeyoung could only pull you close to him, your tears staining his shirt but he paid no mind to that. It was getting hard to hold back his own sobs, finally breaking in front of you. And it broke your heart to see the bubbly, energetic man who only wanted to make this easier falter like he did. He had so much built up pain that it finally tipped.

“How did this happen to me?” you asked, breaking the silence, though muffled by his chest. Saeyoung couldn’t give you an answer. He couldn’t find it in him to say anything, not when he wonders the same thing constantly.

‘ _How did this happen to you?_ ’


End file.
